Thought of the day: - Here we go again
Quote of the day: - "Oh sorry. Cake related distractions"
Song of the day: - Kissing Families - Silversun Pickups
Blame Amanda.
That was the other potential title of this website. Blame Amanda. It will also be my fall-back plan for when all goes wrong (which it inevitably will). In fact, I think if you tried hard enough you could trace back pretty much any problem to Amanda. World Wars, traffic cops, people who kick puppies. I'm not saying SHE kicks puppies or anything like that, I'm just merely insinuating she is to blame. Like this blog. Blame Amanda.
Amanda is a friend of mine, but unfortunately one who lives a long way away. As a result most of our conversations occur through the wonder of the web. However, time differences, work, and all-round laziness on my part have made catching up with each other. Sad times.
“It used to be easier!” she said. I agreed
“I miss chatting with you” she said. I doublely agreed
“It was easier when you had a blog. You should re-start one” she said. I... er... what?
Ok so to be honest, I wasn't sold on the idea of doing a blog again. I've done a couple, some that worked and some that didn't, and I think they are all still out there for anyone who really cares, but they can be a drain. Year ago, when I first started this, it was a form of therapy for me. A cry for help perhaps, but to no-one in particular. It was a medium where I could say exactly what was on my mind, without fear of persecution or judgement. And it worked. And I liked it. It wasn't always easy, and it certainly wasn't always positive, but I honestly do think it helped me. I strongly belive that talking about things, or writing them down, helps you get through tricky situations. That's what I did with my blog. I just wrote – never with any thought behind what I was saying, normally with no direction or desire. I just wrote.
However it didn't last. Things got to the stage where I was having to watch what I wrote, for fear of being 'overheard' by the wrong people. Some people got pissed off because they thought I was slagging them off in a public place. Some other people poked fun at me because they thought I was professing my love for a certain girl in a public place (which was a lot of fun by the way, ploughing through those messages. Remind me about it and I'll tell you the story one day). I also ended up having to explain myself to an entire profession, after one Valentines Day rant was massively misinterpreted. In the end I found myself doing something I vowed I'd never do – I started to vet my own posts. Life if full of self-censoring, and I wanted this to be one medium where I didn't have to. But it didn't happen. I became disillusioned, and stopped.
So what's different? Well nothing on the face of it. I'm still pretty much the same person I always was, and still perform the same dancing-around-the-truth so not to hurt people that I always do. But I feel different inside. I've had some interesting times over the last few years, and one thing I've learnt is that regret is a horrible thing. Regretting not going places. Regretting not doing things. And particularly, regretting not saying things.
I regret not saying things.
So I suppose this blog is my way of making amends. My way of being slightly more honest than I was before. I'm not trying to change the word, or pour my heart out, or post photos of my dog Alfred for you all to swoon over. I just want to opportunity to be 'me' a little bit more. To talk. To write. And to most of all, to be honest.
I hope very much I can do that.
However, in the meantime, if all goes wrong, Blame Amanda.
Take care
